The Adventures of Unlucky England and His Phone
by Kawaii Seishin
Summary: Formerly known as Drunk Dialing, The Adv. of Unlucky England and his Phone are 5 adventures of England and his Phone. For now, I'm completing it b/c i haven't got many hits, but I'll continue if someone asks.  Implied Gema/N.Italy
1. France and Drunk Dials

_**Disclaimer: I- -D-O-N-'-T- -O-W-N- -H-E-T-A-L-I-A- -o-r- J-e-l-l-o-.-.-.-N-o-r- -w-o-u-l-d- -I-w-an-t- -t-o-.**_

*Ring Ring*

"Damn it...*picks up phone*...Hello?"

"Hello England! *Hiccup* Hello Hello Hello Hello...Jell-O! Ha ha ha *Hiccup*"

"Excuse me? Are you drunk?"

"Um...*Hiccup* Does three bottles of beer count?"

"In the name of the queen, I demand to know who I am speaking with?"

"I know what you are but what am I? *Hiccup Hiccup*"

"America, is that you?"

"NOOOO GUESS AGAIN!"

"I do not want to guess again, you git."

"Wow...you hurt my feelings. *Sniffles Hiccup*"

"Just tell me who this is!"

"*Hiccup*If I do...will lemon with me?"

"Fine. (What the hell is a lemon?)"

"Okay...*Hiccup*..I am..."

"Yes?"

"ME! Mwahahaha *Hiccup*!"

"*Growls* You bastard! That doesn't count!"

"Yeah it does."

"No, it doesn't."

"Yeah *Hiccup* it does."

"No it doesn't."

"Yeah *Hiccup* because I am me. Now, you *Hiccup* owe me a lemon."

"What exactly is a...lemon?"

"Hmm...I think that we can do it over the phone, can't we? *Hiccup*"

"Please answer my question."

"Let's see...you start."

"Wh-what? I don't understand you. Please tell me what a lemon is."

"Fine *Hiccup*, I'll start. *Slobbery noise on line*"

"What are you doing fool?"

"I'm making out with the phone silly *Hiccup* and pretending it's your face *Continues slobbery noise*"

"What the-"

"You're turn! *Hiccup*"

"No! Why on earth would I do that?"

"Cause *Hiccup* it's a lemon!"

"A lemon is fruit! Not a sex scene!"

"*Hiccup* Actually, yeah it is. *Hiccup* Now it's your turn!"

"God no!"

"Fine...I'll *Hiccup* continue. *Moaning sensually in background*"

"Damn it...I didn't know you, I would of assumed it was France...HOLY **** ON A STICK YOU'RE FRANCE?"

"Um...*Hiccup*...I'm sexually active, find guys as well as girls attractive, *hiccup*, drink a hell of a lot *hiccup* of wine...so I guess I'm France. *Hiccup* Let's continue our lemon. *Resumes moaning*"

"Goodbye France,"

"Don't leave me *Hiccup* I love you England! *Someone snickers in the background*"

"Who's there?"

"Me!"

"No...that person who just laughed at us!"

"Oh him? *Hiccup* That's America. He told me to say that."

"*Growls* He did, did he?"

"Yup *Hiccup* He also said to freak you out. Oh *Hiccup* and drink this wine...but I *Hiccup* was gonna do that anyways."

"Well tell America that England's gonna get him back; hard."

*Hangs up phone*

"But how?"


	2. America and STAR67

Disclaimer: I I I I wanna wanna wanna wanna own own own own it it it it but but but but I I I I don't don't don't

*Ring Ring*

"See how you like it when I prank call you, America. *Ring*"

*Phone is picked up*

"Hello?"

"Hello America...I'm coming to get you. I'm going to destroy you."

"England?"

"Yeah? H-how do you know...I mean...this isn't Engla-"

"England...yeah...there's this thing called caller id."

"Oh, I forgot about that. But how-"

"Did I manage to use France to fool you? Before you dial the number, dial *67; it hides your name."

"Can I try that?"

"Be my guest. *Hangs up phone*"

"Wait, America...what was the number again? Oh, forget it."

*Dials America's number*

*Ring* "Hello?"

"Hey, America; what was the number again?"

"It was *67...STAR-SIXTY-SEVEN."

"Thanks. *Hangs up phone* Wait...what was the point of that? Wasn't I supposed to prank call him?"


	3. Japan and Hungary

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own them…well maybe I do…nevermind, I don't. Oh and the bubble bath part was my friend's idea.**

*Ring Ring*

"Damn it! Why the freak can't America stop prank calling me? It's getting old…

*Picks up phone*

What is it now America? Is my refrigerator running again or did France say he was in love with me again? Just spit it out so I can go take a bubble bath."

"England! You won't believe it…wait, YOU take bubble bathes?"

"America, stop the act, you already knew that when you walked in on me with Worthington."

"Worthington, you know; my rubber duck."

"Um, England, this is Japan."

"Stop playing around America, I'm getting tired of it."

"England, I am not joking, this is Japan."

"Yeah right; Japan doesn't even know about my secret stash of chocolate in my room."

"Well…now I do, just don't tell France or else he'll get THAT idea again."

"America, I have to agree with you there, but I'm hanging up now-"

"Wait England! I heard that Russia and Norway were teaming up to conquer you, France, Germany, Italy and myself. We have to stop them-"

"Fine, fine, I'll play along. What do I say, 'Oh Japan, I'm so scared that Russia's going to attack me with his pop-gun'? Or how about 'I should better go tell Hungary that I've been in love with her because I'm going to die soon.'?"

"I didn't know you had a loved Hungary…"

"Yeah, you did America. Remember the time you tired to set us up but she fell for Austria, the guy with the stick up his ass."

"Umm…England, this is Japan."

"Whatever…bye America, that's A-M-E-R-I-C-A!"

*Hangs up phone*

"Can't believe that stupid America tries to trick me with something as serious as that, that assho-"

*Ring Ring*

*Picks up phone* "America, please stop calling me."

"England this is Hungary, not America."

"Prove it, tell me something that only the real Hungary would know."

"Japan told me that you love me."

"WHAT?"


	4. ItalyxGermany and England's Damned Phone

**Disclaimer: If I owned Hetalia, Germany and North Italy would have their own show called **_**My Super Sexy Life with my Italian/German Partner!**_

_**(*)(*)(*)(*)**_

_Last time…_

"_Japan told me you love me."_

"_WHAT?_

"Yeah so…do you love me?"

"Um, I…I…uh-"

"*Laughs* Awe, you're so cute! Wow, Austria must have paid you lots to be doing this!"

"Uh…yeah…I guess."

"I knew it! He paid you to say that THEN try to force me into becoming your girlfriend, all so he could be my knight in shinning armor. *Romantic sighs* Don't worry, I won't blab to him about you telling me you guys' plot. Oh-I'd better hang-up, since he might call me soon. Bye, Arthur! *Hangs-up*"

"At least she called my by my first name. Oh Hungary, you will never know how much I love you…"

*Ring Ring*

"*Picks up phone* Hello?"

"PASTA!"

"Hello, North Italy. Good to hear from you-"

"PASTA!"

"Is that all you're going to say?"

"No…but I'm hungry."

"Ah…me too…so what have you called for?"

"Do you have any-"

"Pasta? No."

"I was going to say crayons…"

"Oh."

"So, do you have any?"

"I'm sorry, but no Italy."

"Okie-dokie! Bye England!"

"Bye Italy!" _Wait…shouldn't of he hung-up by now?_

*England hears footsteps*

"Um, Italy? Could you hang-up? My end-button's broken and this is my lucky phone. Italy? Are you there?"

*England hears voices*

"Hey Germany *sexy voice*"

"Hey…Italy. *Matches sexy voice*"

"Italy! Please hang up the phone! I don't want to listen to you and Germany in your ritual of…_friendly countries_. Please spare my innocent ears!"

"Hey Germany, let's get that shirt off. *Rustling noise*"

"Oh…Oh….Italiii! *Thumping noise*"

"OH-MY-FREAKING-GOD! PLEASE HANG-UP THE PHONE!"

"Faster Germany! *Groans*"

"I'm trying Ita-baby!"

"PLEASE HANG-UP THE FREAKING PHONE ITALY!"

"Hey, Germany-honey, I think I heard the phone ringing."

"Mhmm 'kay Italy. Just hurry back. *Sexy growl*"

"I love you too Ludwig; I'll be right back. *Picks up phone* Yo."

"Finally! Please hang-up the phone!"

"England? Wait…oh no…you were…listing…to…us?"

"YES! PLEASE HANG-UP THE PHONE!"

"Okay, bye! *Hangs up phone properly*

"Damn…this…phone…"


	5. Ponies and Plates

Disclaimer: If I owned Hetalia…France would strip more often! *Squeals*

"You know what? I give up!"

"C'mon England, it's just one night. How about it; you, me, and ponies!"

"No, Poland! I am not coming over your house in the middle of the night!"

"The how about…one in the morning, so we still have enough time to f-"

"NO! I'm not into men!"

"*Jealous voice* Then why did you lemon with France over the phone?"

"Damn it, I freaking didn't even KNOW what a lemon was back then!"

"Okie dokie then, let's pretend you don't know what a lemon is…*sexy voice* and I'm teaching you. *Slobbery noise on phone*"

"Hell no, Poland! If you wanna fuck someone, go do Prussia! He'll enjoy it more than me!"

*Hangs up phone*

"God, every time that damn Polish guy buys a new pony…."

*Ring Ring*

*Picks up phone* "For God's sake! Stop calling, you damned-"

"England? This is China."

"Oh, sorry; I'm just so freaking tired of that baka-"

"Sorry to interrupt, but we have a problem."

"What?"

"Do you remember the shipment of plates you ordered a few days ago?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, America and Canada went into the storeroom, thinking it was another room and….let's just say they broke every plate and _then some_."

"Shit! I needed the plates for a special dinner guest coming over tonight."

"If you don't mind me asking, but who?"

"Mmmph…"

"What?"

"Rmmpha…"

"What?"

"IT'S RUSSIA GOD DAMN IT!"

"…I wish you luck."

"Damn it…America owes me big! Russia and I are about to start a dual economy to improve the world trade by fourteen percent by marketing more romance novelettes in foreign countries."

"Um…All I understood was 'big' 'Russia' 'improve' 'romance' 'in' 'foreign' 'countries'."

"Do you only hear every other word?"

"You hear word?"

"Stop smirking you bastard."

"Fine, fine. Anyway, do you still want the plates after today?"

"There's no point now-"

"Half off."

"It's too late-"

"I'll throw in ten fortune cookies."

"It's not worth it-"

"Twenty cookies and tickets to Hungary."

"Done."

"Okay. *smiles* Bye bye." *Hangs up phone*

"Finally…"

*Ring ring*

*Picks up phone* "Hello?"

"Two in the morning, how about that? I'll give you all I got…"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP POLAND!"

*Hangs up phone*


End file.
